The disappearance of Ms Misantropia

First, there was the birthday trip to the States (which I will write about real soon,
I promise!) which culminated in me catching bronchitis on the plane home.
Since I'm working outdoors it was bound to take a firm hold. But just as I was
getting better, my doctor told me she wanted me to cut down on sleeping pills.
10 days of insomnia hell, coupled with lots of craziness at work really took
the last shard of focus and sentence-building away from me.

So here we are, 10 weeks since my last blog post. It's the first of advent,
the day when most Swedes decorate their homes for Jul, light a candle, eat pepparkakor
and drink glögg. But I am cleaning house, drinking red wine and joining the union
(the Swedish union is nothing like the corrupt American system). Us coworkers decided
yesterday to fight the boss man on him closing shop for 6 weeks (without pay).
It might end up being a really infected, drawn out struggle ending in us all being fired
- when all I really want to do is Xmassy stuff, like decorating and baking.

On a different note; Facebook is just REALLY depressing me lately.
For the umpteenth time I am considering quitting it. I'm not that active anyway.
What about you, the last blog friend who actually checks up on my posts?
How have you been? How is your work situation? And how fed up with FB are you?


Before the journey, and fear, and rediscovery

Every journey starts in the mind, in the imagination. Big journeys,
life-changing journeys, have often been brewing in there for a long time.
In my case; years. When I tell people about my upcoming trip they are happy
and supportive for a moment, but then they move on to whatever task is at hand.
They don't feel the rusty cogs inside me just beginning to turn anew,
all the emotions that almost feel like sense memories. I used to do this,
I used to be this person - the unafraid Vagabond. Where did she hide all these years?

People keep telling me; You're turning 40? You seem/look/act younger!
But do I, really? Isn't it just the case that life gets in the way at some point?
It wears us down, makes us suppress parts of ourselves. Sometimes vital parts.
A faraway friend told me something the other day that stuck with me.
It had nothing to do with travels, but all to do with loving yourself,
about accepting yourself - and rocking it, whatever you do. In the same vein,
I have this little card stuck to my bathroom mirror, it roughly translates to:
You should give/feed the body something nice, to make the soul want to reside in it.

So I am making the leap, taking the trip, going the distance
- even though it scares the current me to death. Because the old me is laughing!
Curiously, she has been in charge of several things lately, things I didn't even know
I still had in me. But she is pretty smart and she trusts her gut,
so I'm gonna let her take the reins on this one. Who knows where it will lead us!


Movie quick hits 2017

I Don't Feel At Home In This World Anymore - Actual normal people in a good dramedy!

The Big Sick - Dude doesn't have an animated face, but it is actually really moving.

The Mummy -  Another stupid Tom Cruise-and-younger-woman (women) movie.

Rough Night - Starts off kind of  'meh' but actually gets better, funnier and sweeter.

Beauty and the Beast - Exact copy of the animated 90's movie.

Logan - Good, obviously, but a little depressing. Would love to see more of  X-23.

Annabelle: Creation - Very much like previous ghost movies in the franchise.

It comes at Night - NOTHING comes at night. Seriously. Bad marketing and title.

Wonder Woman - Kick-ass super hero, good story, lame ass villain.

Alien: Covenenant - All about David, but I do love all Alien movies, big time.

Before I Fall - Hmm. Only watch if you're bored, or a 16-year-old girl.

The Great Wall - Expect Hollywoodified Asian fantasy. It basically sucked.

A Cure for Wellness - Interesting. Stylish. Confusing. Then what..why..? Stupid.

Personal Shopper - Most boring movie of the year. And that's not saying much.


Backstory, and a new story

I used to have a genuine interest in people. I loved to converse with anyone,
experience their brains at work. I took psychology at Uni, years of it actually.
But then life happened. Feeling and experiencing Everything. All the time.
as we Borderlines are wont to do, takes its toll. I needed to somehow distance myself
from the world, but mostly - people. Being an extroverted misanthropist is...complicated.

 That's how I ended up out in the countryside, in the middle of nowhere.
It was the only way to feel remotely safe. But - and really, I always knew this
- I don't want to feel safe. I want something exciting, something to turn my emotions on,
however crazy. Yes, living with this disorder can be hell sometimes, but I have created
some kind of amoeba-like bare existence for myself these past 10 years,
and I can safely say - it sucks. Balls.

Since 5 months back I have a job working for and with both colleagues and strangers,
I have several responsibilities and times to keep - and so far I'm doing quite well.
Turns out; I don't actually suck at everything. I don't have strange melt-downs,
I don't go off on aggressive customers, and I am pretty good at office relations.
The lesson here is obviously: You are your own worst enemy.

Yes, I still have anxiety and insomnia, and no, I won't ever be the sunny girl.
But, I am always evolving, learning new (or old) things about myself and others.
Experiencing the recent upheaval in my employment has taught me that:
1. I actually really like my job, and 2. I deal pretty well with change.
Had you asked me a couple of months ago, I probably wouldn't have said either one.

I want to send a special 'Thank you' to blog friends who keep sharing
through your most difficult moments, inspiring and supporting me
when I feel the need to do so myself, making me push through
my insecurities to stay true. You guys are my True North.

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